在1997年的蘋果全球開發(fā)者大會(huì)上，斯蒂芬?喬布斯(Steve Jobs)被問及為什么他要放棄一項(xiàng)在座不少人都傾其心血開發(fā)的軟件。他是如此回答的：
“你必須得說不、不、不，但當(dāng)你說‘不’的時(shí)候，你就會(huì)惹人生氣?！?/p>
原因在于，他說：“集中精力做一件事就意味著對(duì)其他事說不?！?/p>
其實(shí)，這一道理適用于我們每一個(gè)人。
要想在生活中取得任何成就，我們必須集中精力，而集中精力就要求我們學(xué)會(huì)說“不”。
必須使用“不”這個(gè)字來自我保護(hù)
不過，對(duì)我們當(dāng)中的很多人來說，說“不”并非易事。因?yàn)樵诮裉爝@個(gè)時(shí)刻在線的網(wǎng)絡(luò)世界，變化更快，壓力也與日俱增，這意味著每個(gè)人都必須承擔(dān)得更多。我們面臨著更多的工作、更多的責(zé)任和更多的截止期限。
因此，我們陷入了重復(fù)說“是”的圈套之中。
但是當(dāng)我們不斷地超負(fù)荷工作、背負(fù)著試圖完成所有任務(wù)的重壓時(shí)，我們?cè)谏钪袇s永遠(yuǎn)不會(huì)獲得成功。
這是一個(gè)無論男女都需要面對(duì)的難題，尤其體現(xiàn)在許多女性朋友的身上。因?yàn)檎f“不”似乎與之前我們接受的所有教誨都相左，我們一直被要求做個(gè)能使他人開心的人。畢竟，我們最不想聽到的評(píng)價(jià)就是“自私自利”。
但是回首往事，我發(fā)現(xiàn)每次我感覺不知所措或是困擾不堪之時(shí)，都正是我對(duì)別人說了太多“是”之際──這其中既有我的普通朋友、前男友，也有我曾任職的公司。我曾經(jīng)一度受困于點(diǎn)頭稱是的慣性迷局中，從而將自己陷入了一段極具毀滅性的、長(zhǎng)期的感情之中。如果當(dāng)時(shí)，我一開始就把這個(gè)簡(jiǎn)單得不能再簡(jiǎn)單的“不”字說出口的話，我不僅可以節(jié)省大筆的時(shí)間，還可以免受不少痛苦。
威廉?尤里博士(William Ury)向哈佛法學(xué)院的學(xué)生和聯(lián)合國(guó)維和士兵都教授過有關(guān)協(xié)商技巧的課程。在他所著的《積極說“不”的力量》(The Power of a Positive No)一書中，他寫道：“我們必須使用‘不’這個(gè)字來進(jìn)行自我保護(hù)，并捍衛(wèi)那些我們?cè)诤醯氖潞腿?。但是眾所周知的是，不恰?dāng)?shù)木芙^可能會(huì)疏遠(yuǎn)和激怒他人，進(jìn)而毀掉我們最珍視的東西?！?/p>
這就是別生硬地說“不”顯得很重要的原因，我們應(yīng)該學(xué)習(xí)的是該如何有效地拒絕別人。
如何說“不”
說“不”的訣竅在于溫和卻又堅(jiān)定。
1. 分清輕重緩急。說“不”的第一步是搞清楚在你的生活中到底什么是至關(guān)重要的事情。你越執(zhí)著于生活中的重點(diǎn)，說“不”就會(huì)越簡(jiǎn)單。
2. 要心存感激。通常別人來向你求助是因?yàn)樗麄冃湃文悴⑶蚁嘈拍阌袔椭麄兊哪芰Α：皖亹偵鼐芙^別人將顯示出你并不是在拒絕這個(gè)人，而只是針對(duì)這件事。
3. 要簡(jiǎn)明扼要。我自己就經(jīng)常犯這個(gè)錯(cuò)誤──一個(gè)勁兒地為說“不”而向別人道歉，以至于最終會(huì)說服自己答應(yīng)別人的要求。由此我明白了一個(gè)道理，你絕不需要為自己該做的事情而道歉。在解釋什么對(duì)你而言至關(guān)重要而使你無法滿足對(duì)方的要求時(shí)，一句話足矣。
4. 肯定-否定-肯定式拒絕法。尤里博士建議在拒絕他人時(shí)，采用一種新潁的肯定-否定-肯定式拒絕方法。首先，告訴對(duì)方你自己的理由（比如“我母親和我在周六早晨一直有共享早餐的慣例”）。接著，表達(dá)你的拒絕（“所以我不能幫你準(zhǔn)備午餐會(huì)”）。最后以一個(gè)肯定性的新替代方案結(jié)尾（“但是我很樂意在午餐會(huì)結(jié)束后幫你打掃”）。
5. 在答復(fù)前三思而后行。這是另一個(gè)我自己也經(jīng)常犯的錯(cuò)誤。每當(dāng)別人有求于我的時(shí)候，我的本能反應(yīng)就是“當(dāng)然，這件事交給我沒問題”。要避免迫于壓力倉促同意，或是對(duì)他人的請(qǐng)求感情用事，應(yīng)在答復(fù)請(qǐng)求前花幾個(gè)小時(shí)或是一天的時(shí)間考慮一下。想清楚其中的利害關(guān)系、你真正要付出的代價(jià)以及同意這個(gè)請(qǐng)求是否合情合理。
6. 堅(jiān)持己見。在你說“不”后，即使對(duì)方勃然大怒或者情緒沖動(dòng)，你都不能妥協(xié)。相反，認(rèn)真聽取對(duì)方的意見，然后冷靜地重述自己拒絕的立場(chǎng)。做到態(tài)度堅(jiān)定，不要退縮。
7. 先發(fā)制人。在我們的生活中，總有一些人永無止境地提出各種無理要求。對(duì)付這些人，你得先發(fā)制人地直陳你當(dāng)前的重中之重。如果這個(gè)人是你的老板，首先應(yīng)該與他或她就你的工作范圍達(dá)成共識(shí)，如果你的老板提出更多要求，要提醒他或她你們之前的共識(shí)。
“不”有改變我們生活的魔力
當(dāng)我們學(xué)會(huì)了如何巧妙地說“不”時(shí)，就會(huì)有奇妙的事情發(fā)生：
生活將變得更加輕松自如。我們的生活將更為和諧，因?yàn)樯钪械狞c(diǎn)點(diǎn)滴滴都將賦予我們活力，而不會(huì)使我們精疲力竭。
我們將變得更加自信。實(shí)際上，說“不”將增加我們?cè)谏钪械淖孕拧Ｒ驗(yàn)楫?dāng)我們掌控了自己的生活后，我們將不再為他人的觀點(diǎn)而感到惴惴不安。
我們將更加成功。我們將在方方面面都更為成功，因我們可以將精力集中在更少的事情上，做到精益求精。并且通過專注自我需求，我們將能更加得心應(yīng)手地幫助自己和他人。
在數(shù)不勝數(shù)的有關(guān)提高效率和時(shí)間管理的妙招中，說“不”是首屈一指的選擇。
我們可以把這個(gè)技巧運(yùn)用在生活的各個(gè)方面。諸如，當(dāng)他人要我們選擇適合他們、但違背我們自己價(jià)值觀的生活方式而向我們施壓的時(shí)候，或者當(dāng)他人強(qiáng)迫或試圖掌控我們的時(shí)候，我們可以學(xué)著優(yōu)雅而堅(jiān)定地說“不”。
“不”是我們打開通往更多快樂和生活真諦大門的鑰匙
相較于對(duì)說“不”習(xí)以為常而出名的喬布斯，大多數(shù)人都和他不一樣。對(duì)于大多數(shù)人來說，說“不”需要練習(xí)和勇氣。畢竟，你可能擔(dān)心友情會(huì)被傷害，或是被當(dāng)作一個(gè)讓別人心灰意冷的壞人，你可能還怕被冠上冷漠無情的帽子。
實(shí)際上，上述擔(dān)憂恰好證明了你的慷慨和同理心，這些都是難能可貴的品質(zhì)。但是請(qǐng)記住，平衡好自己“取悅他人”和“實(shí)干家”的角色，你才能更加自信和快樂。
具有諷刺意味的是，當(dāng)我們學(xué)會(huì)說“不”后，人際關(guān)系事實(shí)上將得到改善。當(dāng)我們讓身邊的人知道我們尊重自己之時(shí)，他們將反過來尊重你并更欣賞你。我們得教他人如何對(duì)待我們。
“不”這個(gè)字賦予我們駕馭自己生活的能力。“不”將為我們的生活注入更多快樂和真諦，因?yàn)樗苁刮覀兊玫浇饷?，從而去關(guān)注那些我們最珍視的人和事。
*讀者朋友，在你的生活中，你有沒有后悔當(dāng)初應(yīng)該對(duì)哪件事或哪個(gè)人說“不”？如果你當(dāng)時(shí)那么做的話，現(xiàn)在你的生活將有何不同？
拒絕什么是你曾經(jīng)做過的最為難的事情？
Joy Chen
At the 1997 Apple Worldwide Developer Conference, Steve Jobs was asked why he slashed a program that some in the audience had worked hard on. This is how he responded:
'You've got to say No, No, No and when you say No you piss off people.'
The reason, he said, is that 'Focusing is about saying No.'
Well, it's the same for each of us as individuals.
To accomplish anything in life, we need focus, and that requires learning to say no.
'No' is the word we must use to protect ourselves
For many of us, though, this presents a problem. Because in today's always-on, wired world, change just gets faster, and the pressure just gets more intense, for each of us to take on more. More work, more obligations, more deadlines.
And so we fall into the trap of constantly saying Yes.
But when we're constantly overworked and overstressed from the strain of trying to do it all, we'll never be successful in our lives.
This is a problem that weighs on both men and women, but it's a special problem for many of us who are women. Because saying No seems to go against all that we've ever been taught, which is to please other people. After all, the last thing we'd want is to be called selfish!
But as I look back, I see that every time I've felt lost or stuck is when I've said Yes too much to someone else - a friend, a boyfriend, a company I worked for. Once I got so stuck into the pattern of Yes that I got mired in a destructive long-term relationship.It would have saved me so much time and grief if I'd just said that one little word - No - at the start.
Dr. William Ury teaches negotiations at Harvard Law School and to U.N.peacekeepers, and in his book The Power of a Positive No, he writes: 'No is the word we must use to protect ourselves and to stand up for everything and everyone that matters to us. But as we all know, the wrong No can also destroy what we most value by alienating and angering people.'
That's why it's so important not simply to say no, but to learn to do so effectively.
How to say 'No'
The trick to saying No is be warm but firm.
1. Prioritize. To say no, the first step is to be clear on what exactly are your priorities in life. The more firmly you're connected to your Yes, the easier it will be to say No.
2. Be appreciative. Usually when people ask for your help, it's because they trust you and believe in your ability to help them. Being kind will show that you're not rejecting the person.
3. Be brief. I've often made the mistake of so profusely apologizing for saying No that I eventually talked my way into saying Yes! I've since learned that you never need to apologize for doing what's right for you. One sentence is enough to explain what you're saying Yes to which prevents you from fulfilling their request.
4. Yes-No-Yes. Dr. Ury suggests offering a creative Yes-No-Yes solution. First, share what you're currently saying Yes to ('My mother and I always go out for breakfast on Saturday mornings'). Then say No ('So I won't be able to help you set up for your luncheon.'). Finish with a new Yes ('But I'd be happy to help clean up after it's over').
5. Take time before responding. This is another mistake I've often made. When approached with a request, my instinctive reaction has been 'Sure, I can do that!' To avoid saying Yes under pressure, or reacting emotionally to a request, take a few hours or a day before responding. Figure out whose interests are at stake, what's really being asked of you, and whether it makes sense to say Yes.
6. Be firm. Even if the other person gets angry or emotional after you've said No, don't yield. Instead, listen attentively, then calmly restate your No. Keep it simple and firm, and don't backpedal.
7. Be pre-emptive. We've all had certain people in our lives who consistently make unreasonable demands. With them, act proactively by stating upfront what it is that you're focused on. If it's your boss, agree with her how you should be spending your time, and if she piles on more requests, then refer to your earlier conversation.
'No' has the power to transform our lives
When we learn to say No properly, wonderful things will happen:
Our lives will have less pressure and stress. Our lives will feel more balanced because each area of our lives gives us strength rather than saps our strength.
We'll become more self-confident. The act of saying No actually gives us confidence in life. Because when we take charge of our lives, we'll stop being so preoccupied with other people's opinions.
We'll be more successful. We'll be more successful in all that we do because we're focused on doing fewer things and doing those well. And by addressing our own needs, we'll gain the strength we need to do more for ourselves and others.
In a world full of productivity and time-management tips, the word No is the best productivity and time-management tip of all.
And we can use this skill in all areas of our lives. For example, when other people give us pressure to live our lives in a way which suits them but which goes against our own values.Or when other people bully us and try to control us.We can learn to say No with grace and strength.
'No' is the key to greater joy and purpose in our lives
Most of us are not like Steve Jobs, who famously was accustomed to saying (or shouting) No. For most of us, saying No takes practice, and courage. After all, you may worry about jeopardizing a friendship. Or about being a bad person by letting someone down. Or you may worry about getting a reputation for being unhelpful.
Worrying about all these things actually speaks well of your generosity and empathy, and those are wonderful qualities to have.But remember that by balancing your 'pleaser' and 'doer' tendencies, you'll be stronger and happier.
The irony is that when we learn to say No, our relationships with other people actually will improve. When we let people know that we respect ourselves, people will respect and like us more. We teach people how to treat us.
The word No puts us in charge of our lives. It infuses our lives with more joy and more purpose because it frees us to focus on the people and things that we value the most.
*Can you think of something - or someone - in your life that you wish you had said No to? How would your life be different now if you had?
What's the hardest thing you've ever said No to?
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