李彥花同學的原文：
The Father's Love 1
I am still wondering when I could go back home, almost in every possible minute 2.
The wind flew 3 outside. Dad, your words come back to my ears. "Be careful to avoid catching cold. "" Have a good sleep at night. "Many many words, all these 4, bring me back to past time. Suddenly, my tears flew down.
My dear Dad, I know you love me!
It is a love more than 17 years 5. It is a love of Father which stays inside, and still it is a love that6 is deeply rooted in my heart. Dad who gives me all that I want or need, is great 7 to me!
17 years of life, being a farmer8, I know you are really tired. With sweat and blood flowing down, you irragate my young heart, and make it grow up healthily. To make me have a promising future, you offer me a good education and life.
Perhaps life is filled with different things. When I am happy with something, I love cheering, singing, dancing and the good feeling go on several days. You, the same as me 9. Really I'd like to see smiles on your face, my dear Dad, this gives me a shadow in hot. Facing a failure, I only want to cry, sleep, go for a running. And three or four days I keep silent. It is you stay with me, give me courages in different ways. My dear Dad, to me, you are the light in darkness, warmth within chill.
My dear Dad, since I was in my young days, I have been thinking that I have a hero Dad, I am a lucky girl belonged to a large muscled man, nearly six feet tall, with a straight back and strong arms 10.
Dad you are a great father, you teach me how to stand up for myself, face the challenges of extreme sports 11, have good terms with friends around, and be an optimistic girl in both studying and living. You are my first teacher in life, also the best of my life.
To have such a great father, I am happy and proud. And at the same time, I am facing the challenges of the future with determination and confidence 12.
My dear Dad, without saying a word "Thanks" for almost 17 yeas, today I really want to shout out "Really thanks, Dad". You give me all, to me, you are a big sea, wide with no edge 13.
I have a dream that one day the world will be covered by loved flower. Then I will pick up a beautiful one to give you for ever. I know a word is not enough to tell out how grateful I am. It is well said "Actions speak louder than words," I am sure "Be ready for the challenges and opportunities in life" is your best wish. With this faith, I will be able to struggle hard to live in my dream, then smiles on Father's face will always appear in my heart.
I love you, my great father.
經(jīng)熊教授修改后的文章如下：
A father's love
Almost every minute, I am wondering wher I could go back home.
The wind is blowing outside. Dad, your words come back to my ears: "Be careful not to catch cold." "Have a good sleep at night." Many, many such words take me back to the past. Suddenly, my tears begin to flow.
My dear Dad, I know you love me!
It is a love that grows with the years. It is a love of a father which is deeply rooted in my heart. Dad who gives me all that I want or need, is so dear to me.
In my 17 years of life, I have known you as a farmer. With your sweat and blood, you not only till the land, but also irrigate my young heart and enable it to grow up healthy and strong. You have given me a good education and a promising future life.
Life is always full of ups and downs. When I am happy with something, I would want to cheer, sing and dance, and this happy feeling would last several days. I know my Dad. always share my happiness with me. How I love to see the happy smiles on your face, dear Dad. But when I face a failure, I would want to cry or just sleep, and for three or four days I would keep silent. It is you, dear Dad, who would stay by my side to give me courage in different ways. Indeed you are my light in darkness and warmth in the cold.
Dad, you are indeed a great father. You have taught me how to stand up for myself, to face the challenges of extreme hardships, to have good relations with other people, and be an Optimist in life. You are my first and also the best teacher in my life. I am happy and proud to have such a great father.
My dear Dad, I have never said"Thank you!" in all the 17 years of my life. Today, I want to shout aloud," Thank you, dear Dad!" for the whole world to hear.
總評：整篇文章充滿了一個少女對其父親深沉的愛。雖然作者沒有描寫任何驚天動地的事跡，但我們同樣可以被她這種既簡樸但又很真誠的愛打動。語言方面，基本上過得去，但還是有不少地方意思不清楚，也有不少地方顯得重復。具體修改如下：
1)作者是談自己的父親，是談一個父親的愛，所以應(yīng)該用不定冠詞。
2)在第一句中，still,in,possible都是多余的字。
3)風只會blow，水才會flow。
4)出現(xiàn)了雙重主語，即many words和all these。
5)此句不通，無法知道作者的愿意，只好主觀地加一句將故事接下去。
6)此句有些詞不達意，干脆把它去掉。
7)用great來形容和父親的關(guān)系不夠親切，改用so dear。
8)這是一個danging participle（垂懸分詞），光看結(jié)構(gòu)好像是說作者自己是一個農(nóng)民，而不是她父親。
9)這不是一個完整的句子，意思也沒有表達清楚。
10)好像是一個少女對情人的描述。整段去掉。
11)只提對體育的挑戰(zhàn)不夠，應(yīng)該是對一切困難。
12)最后一句顯得有一些重復，應(yīng)該去掉。
13)文章到此可以結(jié)束了，否則顯得有點重復。^
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