把內(nèi)心的原諒說(shuō)出來(lái):從憤怒中走出來(lái)
Editor’s Note: This is a contribution by Mike Bundrant
編輯的標(biāo)注:這是一個(gè)來(lái)自邁克.班得瑞的貢獻(xiàn)
“We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the life that is waiting for us.” ~Joseph Campbell
""我們必須樂(lè)于釋放我們已經(jīng)計(jì)劃好的生活,以便接受正在等待我們的生活.""約瑟夫.坎貝爾說(shuō).
I stood in front of my father, man to man, and demanded an apology. His long absence and lack of interest during my formative years had burned within me a resentment that wouldn’t quit. My therapist suggested that I confront him as one adult to another, so there I was.
我站在父親面前,就像一個(gè)男人面對(duì)另一個(gè)男人一樣,要求一個(gè)道歉.他在我成長(zhǎng)的年紀(jì)里長(zhǎng)期缺席和缺乏興趣已經(jīng)使我在心中中燃燒了一種憤恨,而且一直不能停止.我的治療賣(mài)家建議我像一個(gè)成年人面對(duì)另一個(gè)成年人那樣,所以我到了那里.
It didn’t go well. The more I pointed out his failures, the more defensive he got. The more I demanded an apology, the more he justified his actions. In his mind, he wasn’t to blame for the fact that I spent much of my childhood longing for the particular kind of bonding that only a loving father can provide.
事情進(jìn)行的不順利.我指出他的失敗越多,他的采取的守勢(shì)越多.我要求的道歉越多,他描述他的理由越合理.在他的心中,他沒(méi)有歸咎于這個(gè)事實(shí),那就是在我度過(guò)很多童年時(shí)光中,渴望擁有一種特別的關(guān)系--那種只有一個(gè)有愛(ài)的父親能提供給的關(guān)系.
“It’s a simple apology!” I finally screamed. “That’s it. That is all I want. You weren’t around and you damn well should have been. I needed you. It’s not rocket science. Children need their parents. But you didn’t care about me, did you?”
只是一個(gè)簡(jiǎn)單的道歉,我最后叫著.那就是,就是我所要的全部.你不在我左右和你嚴(yán)厲地批評(píng)已經(jīng)成為過(guò)去,我需要你.這不是火箭科學(xué),孩子需要他們的父母,但是你沒(méi)有照顧我,不是嗎?
“Well, you are only alienating me further by the way you’re acting now,” he replied, offended.
""哦,以你現(xiàn)在的方式,你正和我更加疏遠(yuǎn)"他憤怒地回答說(shuō).
Maddening. I left that encounter with a splitting headache that lasted three days. What gives? How could he be so narcissistic? I returned to my therapist, Jake, to discuss the incident.
令人發(fā)狂.對(duì)此事,我持續(xù)了三天爆裂的頭痛.是什么給他的?他怎么能那么自我陶醉?我回到我的治療師杰克那里討論這件事.
“You confronted your father and really pushed him. I guess you needed to do that,” Jake said with a tone of respect. “Now, perhaps you can approach him in a different way, coming from a different place.”
你正視你的父親并切實(shí)推了他.我猜你需要那樣做.杰克以一種關(guān)心的語(yǔ)氣說(shuō).現(xiàn)在,也許你能以一種不同的方式靠近他,來(lái)自一種不同的地方.
Forgiveness
寬恕
I agreed that Jake must be right, although it would be three years before I understood what that new approach might be. I knew I needed to forgive him, so I just kept trying. All of the prayers, affirmations, visualizations, and other work must have been helping, but I never experienced the true letting go of resentment that comes with actual forgiveness. It didn’t feel like a choice.
我同意,杰克一定是正確的. 盡管在我理解的那個(gè)新的方式可能是什么之前已經(jīng)過(guò)去了三年時(shí)間.我知道我需要去原諒他,所以我只好一直努力.所有的祈禱,證詞,想像,和其他工作一定有幫助,但是我從來(lái)沒(méi)有體驗(yàn)到真正的釋放怨恨,那些伴隨寬恕來(lái)到的.它不像一個(gè)選項(xiàng).
The answer came from a client. She had come to me for help in dealing with her son and happened to tell me about an encounter she once had with a Buddhist monk. After angrily relating the sad tale of her childhood and the awful parenting she experienced, the monk simply stated the following:
答案來(lái)自一個(gè)顧客.她曾經(jīng)來(lái)向我求助對(duì)待她兒子的問(wèn)題,并告訴我關(guān)于她與一個(gè)和尚的偶遇.在憤怒地講述她童年悲慘的故事和她經(jīng)歷的糟糕的撫養(yǎng)后,和尚只是說(shuō)了下面的話(huà):
You are the wrongdoer now.
現(xiàn)在你是作惡者.
It hit me like a ton of bricks.
它像一塊一噸重的磚塊擊中了我.
I had never considered my father from the perspective that I might be in the wrong somehow.
我從來(lái)沒(méi)有用我可能是我錯(cuò)了的方式的觀點(diǎn)來(lái)考慮我的父親.
I was working like mad trying to forgive him, hoping to alleviate my anger, but I didn’t realize that the anger itself, at this point in my life, was a wrong that I was perpetrating. It dawned on me a little more each day.
我像瘋子一樣工作試圖去原諒他,希望減輕我的怒火,但是我沒(méi)有認(rèn)識(shí)到這種怒氣本身,在我生命中的這一點(diǎn),是一個(gè)錯(cuò)誤,那是我在作惡.它在我身上萌芽一天多似一天.
My father was a person who was living in the shadow of my resentment, day in and day out. What is it like to have an unforgiving son? How well can anyone get along with people whose sole purpose is to take them down? A mental floodgate had opened and energy was flowing in a totally new direction
.
我父親是一個(gè)生活在我怨恨的陰影里進(jìn)進(jìn)出出的一個(gè)人.有一個(gè)不可原諒的兒子將像什么?怎么能同那些人相處的好,他們唯一的目的就是把他們記下來(lái).情感的閘門(mén)已經(jīng)打開(kāi),能量正以一個(gè)全新的方式流下.
The next visit with my father was different.
接下來(lái)同我父親的談話(huà)是不同的.
My sincere plea was, “I came to apologize to you, Dad, for resenting you. I know it’s affected our relationship. I’ve been hateful to you for not being available when I was young. I really needed you then, but showing up screaming at you and demanding apologies isn’t exactly helpful. I understand that now and hope you can forgive me for mistreating you for so many years.”
的真誠(chéng)的的請(qǐng)求是,"我來(lái)向您道歉,爸爸,因?yàn)閷?duì)您感到憤怒這件事.你知道這影響到我們之間的關(guān)系.我對(duì)您在我年輕時(shí)不能得到些什么而感到十分討厭.然而我真的需要你,但是對(duì)您顯示尖叫和要求道歉不是真正的有幫助.我現(xiàn)在理解你并希望你能原諒我那么多年錯(cuò)誤地對(duì)待你."
Acceptance
贊同
I’d like to tell you here that my dad broke down in tears, took responsibility for everything, begged my forgiveness, and became my best friend from that moment on, but that would be a lie. He merely asked, “Why don’t we just drop the whole thing and move on?”
我在這兒想告訴你,我的父親掉下了眼淚,為所有的事情負(fù)責(zé),乞求我的原諒,并在那一刻起成為我最好的朋友.但是那將大概知只是一個(gè)謊話(huà).他只是問(wèn)道"為什么我們不放下整個(gè)的事情往前看."
“Agreed,” I replied. Then, we watched whatever ballgame was on the television. My dad was indeed emotionally unavailable. He didn’t connect well with other people, including all of his children, and he was unhappy for his lack of caring. His favorite pastime was to be left alone and without obligation.
''同意"我回答說(shuō).于是,我們觀看電視中的無(wú)論什么球類(lèi)節(jié)目.我父親實(shí)際上感情上難以獲得.他不能同別人好好地相處,包括所有的他的兒女,而且他為他的缺乏關(guān)心感到不快樂(lè).他最喜歡的娛樂(lè)是獨(dú)處和沒(méi)有責(zé)任與義務(wù).
I, on the other hand, was finally free. No more resentment burning up my days and nights. No more feeling like a victim of child neglect. No more anger for being born. I could see my father now, not from the perspective of a child with unmet needs, but as an adult capable of understanding that people aren’t always what you need them to be.
我,從另一方面說(shuō),終于自由了.沒(méi)有更多的怨恨在以后的日日夜夜升起.沒(méi)有更加的感情像一個(gè)被忽視的兒童的受害者.沒(méi)有更多的憤怒因?yàn)槌錾?我現(xiàn)在能看待我的父親,不是從一個(gè)未被滿(mǎn)足的孩子的角度看,而是作為一個(gè)成年人,一個(gè)能夠理解他人不能總是成為你需要他們成為的人的角度.
With all of the ups and downs, emotional setbacks and struggles in my relating to my dad, this perspective has been the most valuable of all
.
帶著所有的沉浮,感情的挫折和與我父親相關(guān)聯(lián)的斗爭(zhēng),這些想法已經(jīng)成為最其中最有價(jià)值的東西.
New Perspective
新的想法
There are those who have suggested that I could have never asked his forgiveness or let go of the anger if I had not first confronted him and “gotten it off my chest.” This may be true. I’ll never know because that is what I did and I can’t return to do it over any other way.
有一些人他們建議我不要請(qǐng)求他的寬恕或者發(fā)泄憤怒,如果我沒(méi)有最初的直面他和"懂得出自我的胸懷".這可能是真實(shí)的.我將永遠(yuǎn)不知道,因?yàn)槟鞘俏宜龅?并且我不能返回重新以任何其他方式做.
I’m not so concerned about it. I’m not trying to write a forgiveness protocol. Everyone is faced with unique circumstances that deserve to be considered as such.我不是那么關(guān)心于此.我不是試圖寫(xiě)一個(gè)寬恕的禮儀.每個(gè)人都面對(duì)獨(dú)特的環(huán)境,都應(yīng)該依其環(huán)境本身而加以深思熟慮的對(duì)待.
What does all this say about forgiveness? To me it is simple. When you can’t forgive another person, stop and consider what you’ve done that needs forgiving. Turn forgiveness inside out.
我不是那么關(guān)心于此.我不是試圖寫(xiě)一個(gè)寬恕的禮儀.每個(gè)人都面對(duì)獨(dú)特的環(huán)境,都應(yīng)該依其環(huán)境本身而加以深思熟慮的對(duì)待.
所有這些說(shuō)的是關(guān)于原諒的嗎?告訴我,那是很簡(jiǎn)單的.當(dāng)你不能原諒其他人的時(shí)候,停下來(lái)想一想你做過(guò)什么需要?jiǎng)e人原諒的事,把內(nèi)心的原諒說(shuō)出來(lái).
Photo by CarbonNYC
圖片由CarbonNYC提供
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