Betsy and Jarom Schow agree that the biggest problem they've faced in 12 years of marriage isn't money, sex or parenting. It's weight.
在貝琪?斯周(Betsy Schow)和雅羅姆?斯周(Jarom Schow)12年的婚姻生活中，他們面臨的最大問題不是錢，不是性，也不是撫育下一代。體重，才是他們的頭號(hào)敵人。這一點(diǎn)是他倆的共識(shí)。
Ms. Schow, 31 years old, was heavy for much of her life. When she was growing up, her family ate a lot of processed foods and takeout, and she rarely exercised, she recalls. In school, children 'mooed' at her when she walked by. She started her first diet at age 12.
31歲的貝琪在她有生以來的大部分時(shí)間里都是個(gè)胖子。她回憶說，在她成長(zhǎng)期間，他們一家吃了很多的加工食品和外賣食品，而她又很少運(yùn)動(dòng)。在學(xué)校讀書期間，其他孩子會(huì)在她經(jīng)過的時(shí)候?qū)W牛叫、發(fā)出“哞、哞”的聲音。12歲那年，她開始了第一次節(jié)食。
She met her future husband in college, in what she calls 'a skinny period.' Mr. Schow, now 36 and a software engineer, was outdoorsy and thin. The two went on hiking, skiing and rock-climbing dates. Even so, by the time they married in 2000, Ms. Schow had put on 25 pounds. Every year, it seemed she would lose 25 pounds and gain 30 back. By the Schows' fifth wedding anniversary, Ms. Schow weighed 220 pounds. And she was very unhappy about it.
貝琪和她的丈夫相識(shí)于大學(xué)時(shí)代，用她自己的話說，那是個(gè)“瘦骨嶙峋的時(shí)期”?，F(xiàn)年36歲的雅羅姆是一名軟件工程師，他熱愛戶外運(yùn)動(dòng)，身材瘦削。他們二人在約會(huì)期間常結(jié)伴去徒步旅行、滑雪和攀巖。即便這樣，在2000年他們結(jié)婚的時(shí)候，貝琪還是胖了25磅。每年，貝琪似乎都會(huì)先瘦個(gè)25磅，然后又胖上30磅。到了這對(duì)夫婦結(jié)婚五周年紀(jì)念日的時(shí)候，貝琪的體重已經(jīng)有整整220磅了，為此她很不高興。
Few subjects in a relationship are more difficult to talk about than one person's weight. Even people who aren't overweight can obsess about their appearance (sadly, these mostly tend to be women). How can a partner raise the issue with someone who is overweight without causing hurt or embarrassment? And how can an overweight person address his or her weight problem without obsessing and harming the relationship?
在一段浪漫關(guān)系中，幾乎沒有比個(gè)人體重問題更難以啟齒的話題了。即使是那些不超重的人也會(huì)為自己的外表感到這樣那樣的不滿（可悲地是，這些人大多數(shù)都是女人）。怎樣才能跟超重的伴侶提及這個(gè)問題卻不傷害對(duì)方、令其尷尬呢？一個(gè)超重的人怎樣才能在解決自身體重問題的同時(shí)不會(huì)給雙方帶來困擾、不傷及伴侶關(guān)系呢？
The Schows, who live in Alpine, Utah, stopped doing fun things together. When they went hiking, Ms. Schow would read a book at the trailhead, waiting for her husband to return. She stopped going to his parents' Sunday dinners because, surrounded by thin people, she felt embarrassed and judged. For several years, she and her husband slept in separate rooms because she felt anxious and uncomfortable in her body, and had trouble sleeping.
斯周夫婦家住猶他州阿爾派恩(Alpine)，后來他們就不再一起做那些有趣的事了。當(dāng)他們外出徒步旅行時(shí)，貝琪會(huì)在路口看書，等著丈夫遠(yuǎn)足歸來。貝琪也不再參加公公婆婆家的周日聚餐，因?yàn)樯硖幰蝗菏萑酥虚g讓她覺得尷尬，讓她覺得自己在被人評(píng)頭論足。幾年來，貝琪和丈夫都是分房睡的，因?yàn)樗捏w型讓她感覺焦慮、不自在，也很難入睡。
There were arguments. More than once, Mr. Schow asked his wife to change her outfit, saying, 'That's not made for someone your size, Sweetheart.' And there was the unforgettable occasion when Ms. Schow, 'trying to spice things up in the bedroom,' did a playful little dance, naked, she recalls. Her husband told her, 'I guess you are one of those people who looks better with clothes on.' (He apologized immediately but she still didn't speak to him for a week.)
他們會(huì)因此爭(zhēng)吵。雅羅姆不止一次地要求妻子換掉衣服，他會(huì)說：“親愛的，那不是適合你這種身材的人穿的?！必愮骰貞浾f，還有一次難忘的經(jīng)歷，當(dāng)時(shí)她試著要為臥室增添點(diǎn)情趣，于是玩笑著來了一小段裸舞，她的丈夫卻告訴她：“我覺得有些人還是穿上衣服比不穿衣服好看，你應(yīng)該算是其中一員?！保m然雅羅姆立馬就道了歉，但她還是一周都沒有跟他說話。）
Today, Mr. Schow says he has 'no idea' why he blurted out such a thing. 'I haven't lived it down yet,' he says. He never found his wife unattractive, Mr. Schow says, but after she lost 75 pounds, and kept the weight off, he did feel more attracted to her.
雅羅姆稱，直到今天，他也不知道自己當(dāng)時(shí)為什么會(huì)脫口說出那樣的話。他說：“我到現(xiàn)在還無法原諒自己?！彼f，他從未覺得自己的妻子缺乏吸引力，但當(dāng)她減掉75磅、并且還在繼續(xù)往下減重的時(shí)候，他覺得妻子更吸引自己了。
Mixed-weight couples, where one partner is overweight and the other one isn't, have more relationship conflict, including arguments and feelings of anger and resentfulness, than same-weight couples, according to a study by researchers at the University of Puget Sound, in Tacoma, Wash., and the University of Arizona, in Tucson, published last month in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships. Of 43 heterosexual couples in the study, those who reported the most conflict were a healthy-weight man and an overweight woman. When just the man was overweight, couples reported no more conflict than same-weight couples.
華盛頓塔科馬市(Tacoma)的菩及海灣大學(xué)(University of Puget Sound)與亞利桑那州圖森市(Tucson)的亞利桑那大學(xué)(University of Arizona)的研究人員進(jìn)行的一項(xiàng)研究顯示，與體重等級(jí)相當(dāng)?shù)姆蚱尴啾?，體重等級(jí)不一致的伴侶──即一方超重，另一方不超重的兩個(gè)人──彼此的分歧沖突會(huì)更多，包括爭(zhēng)吵及憤怒和厭惡的情緒。該研究結(jié)果于上月刊登在《社會(huì)與個(gè)人關(guān)系》(Journal of Social and Personal Relationships)雜志。在參與調(diào)查的43對(duì)異性伴侶中，那些自述沖突最多的伴侶都是由體重正常的男性和超重的女性構(gòu)成的組合。如果只有男方一方超重時(shí)，這類伴侶間的沖突次數(shù)并不會(huì)超過體重等級(jí)相當(dāng)?shù)陌閭H。
The researchers said they don't know whether a weight difference caused couples to argue more, or whether conflict caused one partner to eat more and become overweight. Couples had less conflict when the overweight person reported feeling the partner was supportive of their efforts to exercise and eat a healthy diet. 'That is significant because even though they are at risk for more conflict, there are communication mechanisms that can reduce this,' says Tricia Burke, the study's lead author and visiting assistant professor in the communication studies department at the University of Puget Sound.
研究人員稱，他們并不清楚到底是體重差異讓雙方產(chǎn)生更多的爭(zhēng)吵，還是伴侶間的沖突引發(fā)一方暴飲暴食、令其超重。報(bào)告稱，當(dāng)超重的那方感受到伴侶在支持他們進(jìn)行鍛煉、健康飲食的時(shí)候，夫妻間的沖突就會(huì)少一些。菩及海灣大學(xué)傳播學(xué)院訪問助理教授、該項(xiàng)研究的首席作者特里西婭?伯克(Tricia Burke)說：“這個(gè)發(fā)現(xiàn)意義重大，因?yàn)榧词拱閭H面臨發(fā)生更多沖突的風(fēng)險(xiǎn)，但是通過一些好的溝通交流的方式就能減少這一風(fēng)險(xiǎn)。”
Another finding: Mixed-weight couples who ate together frequently reported more conflict than those who seldom ate together.
另一個(gè)發(fā)現(xiàn)是：在體重等級(jí)不一致的伴侶中，那些常常一起進(jìn)餐的伴侶自述的矛盾沖突比很少共餐的伴侶會(huì)更多。
Ms. Schow recalls she would ask her husband to help her stick to her diet. Yet when he encouraged her to eat something healthy, she would accuse him of implying she was fat. 'I was extremely frustrated,' Mr. Schow recalls. 'It felt like I was just saying the same things over and over, and we were stuck in this loop.'
貝琪回憶說，她當(dāng)時(shí)會(huì)要求丈夫幫助她堅(jiān)持節(jié)食。但當(dāng)丈夫鼓勵(lì)她吃點(diǎn)健康食品的時(shí)候，她又會(huì)指責(zé)丈夫其實(shí)在暗示她很胖。雅羅姆回憶道：“我當(dāng)時(shí)極其沮喪。我覺得自己一遍又一遍重復(fù)說著同樣的話，我們陷入了一個(gè)死循環(huán)里?！?nbsp;
After they argued, Mr. Schow often left the house or hid in his room. His wife's deep unhappiness magnified their other problems, he says, whether it was money or how much time they spent together. He also worried about what her attempts at extreme dieting would do to her health.
在他們爭(zhēng)吵過后，雅羅姆常常會(huì)離開家或躲進(jìn)自己房間。他說，妻子的這種極度痛苦又將他們之間別的問題──比如錢的問題、共處時(shí)間的多少的問題──都放大了。他還擔(dān)心，妻子嘗試極度節(jié)食的努力將會(huì)有損她的健康。
The couple stopped having sex. Ms. Schow says she felt too self-conscious. 'I would try and help her feel better about herself, telling her, 'You are beautiful the way you are,' ' Mr. Schow says. He began to wonder: 'If she doesn't want to have sex with me, what's wrong with me?' One night, Ms. Schow told her husband she wanted a divorce. 'The weight caused a rift that just kept growing,' she says.
斯周夫婦一度放棄了性生活。貝琪稱，她感覺太難為情了。雅羅姆說：“我會(huì)試著幫助她、讓她對(duì)自己感覺好點(diǎn)兒。我對(duì)她說，‘你現(xiàn)在這樣就很美’?！彼查_始反思：“如果她不愿意和我過性生活，是不是我身上有什么問題呢？”有一晚，貝琪對(duì)丈夫說，她想離婚。她說：“夫妻感情被體重問題劃出了一道裂縫，而且越來越寬?！?nbsp;
Experts say it is imperative for couples to communicate in a loving way when one partner has a weight problem. Catherine Hastings, a marriage and family therapist in Lancaster, Pa., says a person who isn't overweight should address the issue with an overweight partner 'in a way that makes them feel that you are rooting for them. The worst thing is when you are teasing or nagging or judging.'
專家們稱，當(dāng)一方出現(xiàn)體重問題的時(shí)候，伴侶之間應(yīng)當(dāng)用一種充滿愛意的方式進(jìn)行交流，這一點(diǎn)至關(guān)重要。賓夕法尼亞州蘭開斯特(Lancaster)的婚姻家庭治療師凱瑟琳?黑斯廷斯(Catherine Hastings)稱，不超重的這一方應(yīng)該與超重的伴侶共同解決這個(gè)問題，并且以一種“讓對(duì)方覺得你是在為他（她）加油鼓勁兒的方式。最糟糕的情況是，你對(duì)此冷嘲熱諷、喋喋不休或評(píng)頭論足”。
A spouse should say things that demonstrate support. The question 'Are you really going to eat that?' doesn't demonstrate support.
伴侶一方應(yīng)該說些表示支持的話。像“你真的會(huì)去吃那個(gè)嗎？”這樣的問題就沒有表達(dá)出你的支持。
A healthy-weight partner should consider ways to show a willingness to team up to change behaviors. For example, the partner could ask the overweight loved-one for suggestions. Should you avoid keeping sweets in the house or skip dessert when dining out together? Almost everyone could stand to get more exercise and eat a more-healthy diet, and the healthy-weight partner can help by being a role model.
體重正常的一方應(yīng)該考慮下如何來表達(dá)自己愿意與對(duì)方攜手改變現(xiàn)狀的意愿。比如，可以向超重的一方征詢意見，問對(duì)方是不是不該在家放甜食或者在外用餐時(shí)不點(diǎn)甜點(diǎn)？幾乎每一個(gè)人都會(huì)認(rèn)同多運(yùn)動(dòng)、多吃健康食品的觀念，體重正常的一方可以以身作則來幫助對(duì)方。
The person who isn't overweight also should be aware of his or her own insecurities and possibly a subconscious need to sabotage the partner's weight-loss efforts. 'The overall atmosphere should be, 'I love you and I want you to be around for as long as possible,' ' Dr. Hastings says.
黑斯廷斯博士說，不超重的那一方同時(shí)也應(yīng)該察覺到自己身上可能會(huì)表現(xiàn)出沒有把握的情緒，可能會(huì)在潛意識(shí)中破壞了對(duì)方的減肥努力。她說，“整個(gè)氛圍應(yīng)該是這樣的，“我愛你，我希望你盡可能長(zhǎng)久地陪在我身邊?！?nbsp;
After Ms. Schow raised the issue of divorce and was throwing clothes in a suitcase, she told her husband she wanted out because she felt trapped-in the marriage and her own misery. Mr. Schow calmly walked to the garage and let the air out of the tires of her jeep. 'I felt that if I could calm her down and get her feeling better, we could work toward a resolution,' he recalls.
貝琪提出離婚后開始將衣服扔進(jìn)行李箱，她告訴丈夫，之所以想走出圍城，是因?yàn)樗X得自己被困在婚姻中、淪陷在自己的苦痛里。雅羅姆平靜地走到車庫(kù)，將妻子的吉普車輪胎放了氣。他回憶說，“我覺得如果我能讓她平靜下來、并讓她感到好受些，我們就能找到解決的辦法?！?nbsp;
Ms. Schow didn't leave. But she did continue to complain about her weight. Then one night, as she was talking yet again how she was about packing on pounds, her husband said sleepily, 'Turn off your thinker and go back to sleep.'
貝琪最終沒有離開。但她依舊在抱怨自己的體重。后來有一晚，當(dāng)她再一次提到自己開始長(zhǎng)胖的時(shí)候，她丈夫睡意朦朧地說了句，“別想了，睡覺吧?！?nbsp;
That seems, in hindsight, like the turning point, Ms. Schow says. She stopped the extreme dieting and concentrated on counting calories and getting exercise, eventually running four times a week and doing yoga and Zumba. After she lost 40 pounds, her husband told her that his dream was to run a marathon with her. They ran the Park City marathon together in August 2011.
貝琪說，后來回想起來，那次好像是個(gè)轉(zhuǎn)折點(diǎn)。她停止了極度節(jié)食，轉(zhuǎn)而集中精力計(jì)算卡路里攝入量并進(jìn)行鍛煉，最終做到了一周跑步四次以及練瑜伽、跳尊巴舞。在她成功減掉40磅后，雅羅姆告訴她，自己夢(mèng)想著有天能和她一起跑一次馬拉松。2011年8月，斯周夫婦一起參加了公園城市馬拉松賽(Park City marathon)。
Ms. Schow lost 75 pounds in 10 months. The couple began hiking, biking and rock climbing again-and teaching their 3- and 6-year-old daughters to be active. Ms. Schow wrote a book about her experience, 'Finished Being Fat,' published earlier this month.
10個(gè)月內(nèi)，貝琪減掉了75磅。夫婦二人又開始了徒步旅行、騎車和攀巖的活動(dòng)，他們還引導(dǎo)三歲和六歲的女兒，讓她們也活動(dòng)起來。貝琪還就自己的經(jīng)歷寫了一本書，名為《告別肥胖》(Finished Being Fat)，該書已于本月初出版。
The Schow's marriage improved. 'The fact that my weight isn't such a focus in our marriage anymore-because I made it bigger than it had to be-gives us an opportunity to change the discussion, instead of an endless loop of 'I am fat.' 'No, you aren't,' ' Ms. Schow says. 'As I started to fix myself, I stopped fighting myself, so I stopped fighting him, too.'
斯周夫婦的婚姻狀況得到了改善。貝琪說：“事實(shí)是，我的體重已不再是我們婚姻的焦點(diǎn)所在──過去只是因?yàn)槲覍⑺^度放大了──這讓我們有機(jī)會(huì)改變了爭(zhēng)論的內(nèi)容，走出了我一句‘我很胖’他一句‘你不胖’這種無休止的循環(huán)怪圈。當(dāng)我開始健身減肥的時(shí)候，我不再跟自己較勁了，我也就不會(huì)跟他較勁了?！?
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